Big Feelings & Little People

One of the most important truths in parenting—whether biological, step, or blended—is this: adult emotions are not children’s responsibility.

As adults, we carry the weight of our own history, relationships, heartbreaks, and challenges. But children are not equipped, nor should they ever be asked, to carry those burdens for us. Their job is to be children—learning, playing, growing, and feeling safe enough to do so.

Yet sometimes, even without meaning to, parents slip into making their children responsible for their happiness. It can sound as subtle as, “I’m going to miss you so much while you’re at your Dad’s” or “I feel so lonely when you’re not here.” What seems like a harmless, heartfelt comment can actually load a child with guilt, confusion, and emotional responsibility that isn’t theirs to carry.

When parents do this, they are asking their children to soothe them, to prioritise their feelings over their own and to make decisions about their lives based not on what’s healthy for them, but on how to keep their parent happy. That is not love—that is emotional manipulation. And when repeated, it can become a form of abuse.

Children need to know that the adults in their lives are steady, safe, and secure. They need reassurance that it’s okay to love all the special adults in their lives – whether they be biological parents, step-parents or extended family. They need permission to enjoy time with all of the special people in their lives without guilt. And they need to grow up free from the pressure of managing adult emotions.

Biological parents, step-parents and co-parents have a responsibility to find support systems outside their children. Friends, therapists, communities, partners and family members are the ones who should share their struggles—not the children. Protecting children from adult-sized worries is not just kind—it’s essential for their development and wellbeing.

So next time you feel that tug of sadness or loneliness when your child leaves for their other home, pause. Breathe. And remind yourself: This is mine to carry, not theirs.

Because children flourish when they are allowed to be just that—children.