Children Aren't Ours to Own - They Choose Who They Love

One of the hardest truths for some adults to accept is this: we don’t own the children in our lives. Not as mothers. Not as fathers. Not as step-parents. Children are their own people. They come into this world as their own little beings—with their own personalities, their own emotions and their own capacity to form connections. 

Children are intuitive. They gravitate toward people who make them feel seen, heard, and safe. Sometimes that’s a parent. Sometimes it’s a grandparent, a teacher, a coach—or yes, (shock, horror!) … sometimes it’s a step-mum! And that choice belongs to them. It isn’t a reflection of a parent’s shortcomings. It isn’t a competition. It’s simply a child doing what humans are wired to do: seeking connection and love.

As parents, step-parents, or any loving adult in a child’s life, I believe our role is to guide, nurture, and support.  Ultimately, children will choose who they bond with, who they trust and who they feel safe loving. However, there seems to be a common fear among biological parents when a step-mum enters the picture, to think: “If my child grows close to her, does that mean they love me less?” Some step-mums even hear:  “You’re stealing my children!”

Let’s be clear — no step-mum has the power to “steal” a child’s love. Children are not objects to be taken. They are human beings who make their own choices about who they trust, confide in and feel connected to. If a child chooses to open their heart to a step-mum, that’s not theft. That’s a bond. That’s love. And it belongs entirely to the child. When a biological mum feels threatened by her children’s bond with a step-mum, what she’s really wrestling with is her own insecurity. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being replaced. Fear that her role isn’t as strong as she wants it to be. But here’s the truth: those fears are hers to work through, not the step-mum’s responsibility to carry.

A step-mum can’t fix another adult’s insecurity, nor should she be expected to dim her light, hold back love, or step away from genuine connection just to soothe someone else’s feelings.

If a biological mum feels her bond with her children is slipping, the answer isn’t to point fingers at the step-mum. The answer is to turn inward. To strengthen her own relationship with her children. To spend time, listen deeply, show up consistently, and build the kind of connection that only she can offer as their biological mum. That’s where her confidence will come from — not by blaming someone else, but by owning her role and stepping fully into it.

In my experience, love doesn’t work like a pie where giving one slice to someone else leaves you with less. Love is more like a flame—you can light another candle without dimming your own as a child’s ability to form new, healthy relationships doesn’t take away from the ones they already treasure. If anything, I think it strengthens their emotional world. When we step back from the idea that children are “ours” to control, something shifts. We start to see them as individuals, not extensions of ourselves. We respect their capacity to build relationships on their own terms. That respect is powerful. It gives children permission to fully embrace the people they love—without guilt, without fear of upsetting someone and without being caught in the tug-of-war of adult insecurities.

So, if a child chooses to bond with a step-mum, it doesn’t reduce the love they feel for their biological mum —or for anyone else. It’s simply more. More hugs, more encouragement, more people in their corner when life gets tough.

If you’re a mother, a father, a step-mum, or any caring adult in a child’s life, the ultimate goal should be the same: to see that child thrive. And children thrive when they have a village of people cheering for them, supporting them, loving them.  And in a world where so many kids feel the sting of loneliness, surely more love should be something to celebrate?

So no — a step-mum isn’t a threat. She’s an addition. She’s more. And when it comes to raising children, more love is never the problem. Less love is.

The sooner we all drop the “us versus them” mindset, the better off the children will be. Step-mums aren’t enemies, rivals, or thieves. We’re simply another adult choosing to love the children in our lives wholeheartedly.

And if that love feels threatening, it says far more about the fears of the adult making the accusation than it ever does about the step-mum herself.

Step-mums aren't enemies, rivals or thieves ... simply another adult choosing to love the children in their lives wholeheartedly.